::Serendipity::

Sad Confessions ________________________________________________________________

It's been a week since I increased my meds, but no improvement yet. Yesterday, I gave in and spent the day in bed. It was so nice in my room. Quiet. Safe. But I felt SOOOO guilty. I just couldn't make myself get up. Not to eat. I didn't want to read. Not to check my e-mail. Nothing. I did do some school work with the kids. That was the one thing I accomplished.

Today was a little better. I made goals for myself and made myself follow through. But I couldn't put too much pressure on myself or I would get over-whelmed and end up in bed again feeling worse then ever. I did get out of the house tonight though, and that helped a lot. I volunteered to work for Joanne again, but she won't need me until around Christmas time. Getting out helps.

Our van is still dead. Well, it's drivable, but there's not much heat and now I have to make sure I have a mixture of anti-freeze and water if I venture out in it and that I'm wrapped up for the chilly drive. Michael's looking into getting another car, and trading his big old Jeep in on something with better gas mileage. It will work out. It always does!

This depression thing is really stinky. It hasn't been this bad since I was in high school. Michael's being so patient and understanding. The kids are awesome and Riley (and Maggie a bit too) helps keep everything rolling. The guilt over that is almost crippling. That's why I think I've been getting panic attacks. Sharp pains in my chest and my heart starts beating a million beats a minute. I have nothing to be panicky about! It's all so ridiculous. I want to trade myself in on a better model. My family deserves better then this.

My biggest fear right now is that this medication isn't going to work (although it helped SO much the first three or four months I started taking it!) and I'm going to have to wean myself off this and wean myself on to something else and hope that works. We're talking months of this crap. It's not fair to my husband, my kids and especially Riley because she's in charge more than I am. She never complains. Never utters a disgruntled word. We fought over getting Xander ready for bed tonight. I wanted to do *something* for him and she said getting him ready for bed is one of her favorite things. I hope she won't resent me one day... I depend on her way too much.

I'm so ashamed of these things. The staying in bed. Letting Riley fix lunches and change diapers and be in charge. Not being able to cook. I can't even make myself go online and pay bills. I'm so deeply ashamed that I'm a horrible wife and mother right now because that is the thing that is most important to me in this life.

So that's why I haven't been updating. I haven't wanted to whine and moan and let you in on my little secret. Oh, I've told you I'm depressed. Big whoop. It's such an overused word. But I haven't told you how bad it really has gotten. How stupid I feel that I can't motivate my ass out of bed some days. Or to get dressed. Or even do things I enjoy, let alone things I need to do. Like be a MOM.

But tomorrow will be better today. And today was better then yesterday. And one step at a time, I'm going to get over this. I just really, really hope it's soon.

posted by Terri at 10/17/2007 12:12:00 AM >9 comments

9 Comments:

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