::Serendipity::

I've Discovered Something: Being Depressed Sucked! ________________________________________________________________

Yesterday was my first depressed day in at least 3 weeks. It was weird...

It's been SO great telling people I haven't seen for a while that I feel great! I've never really meant it before. It's a really cool feeling. I really do wish I had stopped fighting for so long and just started taking anti depressants sooner. Sure, we're an over medicated society. No one took antidepressants 50 years ago! They had unfiltered cigarettes and copious amounts of scotch to deal with their life issues. Liver failure and lung cancer didn't give anyone time to be depressed! So I'm now one of the millions of Americans who takes drugs for depression. And I've never been happier! Apparently my brain chemistry did need adjusting. Who knew? Heh.

So why was I depressed yesterday? Issues with The Boy, which I don't feel like getting into at the moment. And I found out one of my best friends is moving away.

Sandi called Riley to take her and our dog Jack for a playdate with her dog, Cricket. When they got back, Sandi told me she's moving with her soon to be fiancee to live with his family while she goes to beauty school. And while I'm SO thrilled that she's decided on her future, I know I'll probably never see her again. I hoped I would when she comes home to visit her parents, but they are moving to Washington. Crap! I love them too! And I was hoping her Mom would take on the girls as new piano students when school started. She's such a lovely woman and serious about piano. I was hoping to become closer friends with her too. Since I am closer to her Mom in age and life experience!

Sandi and I haven't spent as much time together over the last few months. With my pneumonia and her new boyfriend and new job, we just haven't been going on our weekly coffee dates. Things got intense with her boyfriend while I was sick and they started talking marriage. Friends and family and everything else in life faded away as her life changed. I understand. I remember meeting Michael 15 years ago and he became my focus too. But I've missed her. And now she's leaving in a few short months. I know that things will never be the same. Reality is, I'm not going to be able to go down there to visit her with 5 kids. And she has nothing to bring her back up here. Reality stinks.

So those are actual reasons to be depressed. I didn't burst into tears. I just needed some time alone to process and I came around. Oddly enough, it's interesting to be able to see when I have a reason to be depressed and when I didn't. Before the meds, I would sit in the living room and just cry. For no reason. My life was great, but I just wanted to sleep when I wasn't crying. And I had to hide my feelings from the kids because they wouldn't understand. Kids internalize so much and finding Mommy crying uncontrollably for no reason would have to be pretty off putting to say the least.

I really love this new found perspective. I've learned that there are things I just don't want to do. Not because I have a social anxiety, or I'm feeling sad, but because it's just not my thing. And that's okay! I don't have to go to the church women's retreat. It's fine that I don't want to do to a concert or go scrapbooking or whatever if I don't feel like it. I can go to bed and read my book and that's okay too! I'm not hiding from the world, it's just a comfortable place and reading recharges me. And it's quiet there! If Riley wasn't off on her babysitting job, I'd be in bed right now! Instead, I'm going to take the boys out and watch Timmy break rocks to see what's inside. Not a bad plan for the afternoon...

posted by Terri at 7/17/2007 10:33:00 AM >7 comments

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